Boris on the Mutiny at the 1922

Recorded faithfully by Arrian, MP of Nicomedia

Conservatives, my speech will not be aimed at stopping your urge to return me home; as far as I am concerned you may do as you like. But I want you to realize on departing what I have done for you, and what you have done for me.

[7.9.2] Let me begin, as is right, with my predecessor David. He found you wandering about without chances, many of you clothed in ancient pinstripe double breasted suits and holding small seats in the south east, defending them with difficulty against the Lib Dems. He gave you laptops to fight instead of paper, brought you screaming into the 21st century, and made you a match in campaigns for once mighty Labour, owing your safety to your own bravery and no longer to reliance on your south east strongholds. He made you city dwellers and civilized you with good laws and customs.

[7.9.3] Those parties who used to harrass you and plunder your property, he made you their betters instead of their slaves and subjects. He annexed much of the south to the Conservatives, seized the most favorable spa towns and opened up the leafy suburbs to our governance.

[7.9.4] He made you governors of Morley and Outwood, before whom you used to die of fright, humbled Vince Cable and so opened a broad and easy path into Government in place of a narrow and difficult one. Labour and the Lib Dems, who were permanently poised to attack us, he so humbled (and I was now helping him in this task) that instead of you paying tribute to them and being under the sway of their attacks, they now in turn had to seek their safety from us.

[7.9.5] He marched into the south east and settled matters there too. He was appointed commander-in-chief of all conservatives for the campaign against electoral reform and Scottish independence, but preferred to assign the credit to you rather than just to himself.

[7.9.6] Such were the achievements of my predecessor on your behalf; as you can see for yourselves, they are great, and yet small in comparison with my own. He left us a few gold and silver cups, and a majority of 12 in the House; Theresa then increased our debt. I started from a majority that could barely sustain our Government and immediately opened up the north for you, although Labour then held the mastery of the land.

[7.9.7] I defeated in electoral engagement the satraps of Teeside and annexed to your rule the whole of Darlington and Bolsover, both Workington and Scunthorpe, and took North West Durham by storm. All the rest came over to our side spontaneously, and I made them yours for you to enjoy.

[7.9.8] All the wealth of Stoke-on-Trent and Wolverhampton, which I won without a fight, are now yours, Warrington, Redcar and Peterborough are your possession, Burnley and Grimsby and Bishop Auckland belong to you, you own the wealth of Don Valley, the treasures of Lincoln, the riches of Kensington, and the entire country. You are satraps, you are generals, you are captains. As for me, what do I have left from all these labors? Merely this purple cloak and a diadem."